Parrots!

On reaching his plane seat, Bubba was surprised to see a parrot strapped to the seat next to him. As soon as they have gotten aloft Bubba asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets Bubba's cup of coffee. As Bubba nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for Bubba. Unaccustomed to such slackness, Bubba decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to kick butt!" Next thing they know, both Bubba and the parrot are picked up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to Bubba and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard ."

You can have that in Latin if you wish (courtesy of Edward Casey)

Cum ad sedile aeroplani pervenerat Bupaeda, mirans vidit psittacum alligatum ad sedile juxta suum. Simul atque aeroplanum sublime ascenderat, Bupaeda a ministra poscit poculum cafei ad quae psittacus coaxat, "Item quidni mihi viscium apportes, canicula tu?" Ministra psittaci irruptione perplexa, eidem refert viscium sed incuriosa poculi cafei Bupaedae oblita est. Dum comiter Bupaeda memorat omissionem cafei sui, psittacus potionem suam ingurgitat exclamatque, "Insuper fer mi alterum viscium, canicula tu!" Manifesto animo agitata, ministra ferens psittaci viscium, sed usque nihil cafei Bupaedae nostro, revertitur. Tali neglegentiae haud assuetus, Bupaeda statuit se methodo psittacina usurum: "Iam bis abs te poculum cafei poposci, canicula tu. Exspecto te id mihi actutum apportaturam aut culum calcitrabo!" Nec mora, et Bupaeda et psittacus a duobus robustis ministris colliguntur atque ex exitu subitario ejiciuntur. Utroque deorsum ad humum deruente, psittacus ad Bupaedam conversus ait, "Utpote qui volare nequeat, tu quidem homuncio spurius es sibi confidentissimus."

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said: "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird & looked him over from beak to tail feathers. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150 she cried!!!!!, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have $20, but what with the Lab report and cat scan......"

A parrot walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "You have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes. This is a bar, not a fruit stand."
The parrot leaves, but the next day he comes back and again asks the bartender, "You have any grapes?"
The bartender is really annoyed, and says, "I told you we don't have grapes. Don't keep asking me that!"
The next day the parrot is back and again asks, "You have any grapes?"
By this time the bartender is furious. "You know we don't have grapes! If you ever ask me that again I'll nail your bill to the bar."
The next day the parrot comes in and says, "You have any nails?"
Startled, the bartender replies, "No, we don't have any nails."
"Okay," says the parrot. "You have any grapes?"

A prudish man inherited a parrot with a taste for bad language from a deceased aunt. After a day of unrepeatable swearing from the parrot, he warned him that any further swearing would mean trouble.

The next day the parrot again swore terribly in front of guests. The man grabbed the parrot and as punishment threw him into the fridge.

Several hours later, he removed the parrot. "Have you learned your lesson?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, indeed. I do sincerely regret my past misbehaviour and solemnly pledge never to swear again," replied the parrot, much chastened.

"It's remarkable what a few hours in the cold can do, isn't it?" said the man.

"Yes, indeed," replied the parrot. "Now tell me, what did that chicken say?"

(Odd: the only other parrot jokes page I know begins with this joke. I found it after I had written this page. Honest!..)

Adam, in the Garden of Eden, began to grow restless and bored. "God," he said, "this is very beautiful, the flowers, the stream, the parrots,* but there's something missing. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, Adam," replied God, "I sympathize. I will think about it..."

The next day God summoned Adam and said: "Adam, I have just the thing for you. I'm going to create woman for you."

"What's woman?" asked Adam.

"Woman ... is everything sweet and nice. She will be your constant loving companion. She will make your home for you. She will cook and sew for you, and bear your children. She will show you constant devotion and make your life happy and fulfilled."

"That sounds great," said Adam. "When does she arrive?"

"Well, you know Adam, like everything else in life, there is a price for such perfection. I'm afraid that, to have woman as I have described, it will cost you one arm, one leg, and one testicle."

Adam was perplexed. "Hmmm, I don't know about that. I shall have to think very carefully."

So Adam thought and thought, and eventually he reached a bargaining position.

"God, let's get this straight. Woman, who is perfection and all things sweet and gentle, will be mine for ... one arm, one leg, and one eye?"

"That's right, Adam."

"Hmmm," said Adam. "Tell me, what do I get for one rib?"

*OK, OK, so the parrots are inserted so the joke can qualify here...

These next two contributed by Sam Ketner ...........

There's this guy, see, and his wife leaves him, so he's depressed, and he wants somebody to talk to. He goes to a pet shop and asks for a parrot.

The pet shop owner sez, "Ok, we have the African Grey parrot and the Atlantic parrot. The African parrot costs twice as much but it talks a lot."

"How much does it cost?"

"Fifteen hundred dollars."

"Fifteen hundred! Uh, well.... Okay." And he pays the guy and takes the parrot home. A week later he's back. "Parrot won't talk," he

reports.

"What? It won't talk?"

"No."

"You have the mirror?"

"Mirror?"

"Your parrot will look at itself in the mirror and talk."

"Oh."

"Two hundred dollars."

"My god!"

"Absolutely garrunteed."

"Okay." A week goes by. "Parrot won't talk."

"It's you again, eh? Well if you didn't have the mirror--I'm guessing here--You don't have the ladder, do you?"

"Ladder."

"The mirror has to be elevated, like it's in a tree."

"The ladder is....."

"Three hundred, but I swear it'll work. If not, come back, and we'll

try one more thing."

A week goes by. "Parrot won't talk."

"Right--thought this might happen. Your parrot needs a bell."

The guy who bought the parrot just stares at him.

"Really, I swear. Hey, I tell you what. I'll let you have the bell for free and if the parrot won't start talking, come back next week and

I'll give you a refund on all of it."

Yet another week goes by and in comes the guy who bought the parrot and he's got a cardboard box under his arm. He opens it up and inside is the parrot. It's dead.

The pet shop owner squints at the parrot, takes it out, looks at it, finally asking, "It's died, eh? Did it say anything before it died?"

"Well, yes."

"Oh?"

The guy bends down, craning his neck, obviously immitating the parrot, and croaks out: "Food...."

There's this guy and he's a magician and he gets a job doing magic tricks on a cruise ship. He goes on after dinner and does his magic show every day and that's it, otherwise he's got a free cruise. So the first night he's up there sawing a woman in half and a parrot flies upon the stage with him. The parrot belongs to a guest on the cruise ship; it's just decided to land on the stage.

The parrot looks at the magician and then it croaks out, "A-aaarap! He's got two women fixed up in ajoining boxes, the trick's a fake,

A-aarap!"

The magician freaks out, he's looking around the room and everybody's laughing at him. The parrot's blown the trick. Finally the magician gets himself under control and scraps the trick, he gets out the Magic Rings and starts levitating a showgirl.

The parrot croaks out, "A-aaarap! He's raised her up with wires and you can see them if you look, A-aarap!"

Everybody in the audience starts laughing again and making fun of the magician. The magician can't stand it, he's pissed, he decides he's already lost the job and he rushes over to the parrot. He gets both hands around the bird's neck and starts choking. He's gonna kill the parrot.

At this point, there's an explosion belowdecks and the ship keels over, capsizes, and sinks. The magician lets go of the parrot and grabs his magic chest and runs out on the deck. Just as the ship goes under he dives into the water, climbs up on the chest, and starts paddling. Everybody else gets killed.

So he's out there paddling on the magic chest and he sees a shadow go across the water. He looks up and sees that the parrot is circling around. It swoops across the floating wreckage a time or to and finally lands on the far end of the magic chest. It stands there and looks at him for a long time.

Finally, the parrot croaks out: "Aaaarap. Okay. I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, only to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

The increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars.

Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

These contributed by Beth Bernard ...........

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor's turkeys and rushes back home before being caught in the act. The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the parrot has been doing. The farmer and his wife reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn't stop it they're going to shave the parrot's head. That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbor's turkeys again.
The next morning the farmer ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the farmer's daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right." And then two bald guys walk in and the parrot announces, "And you two turkey fuckers up on the piano with me."

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

Occasionally, we find it necessary to medicate our feathered

friends.

Here are some pointers to help you with this task....

FIRST APPLICATION:

1. Retrieve the bird from the cage.

2. Set the bird on a table and hold its head by carefully grasping the neck where it joins the lower jaw, or mandible.

3. With your other hand, grasp the medicine syringe and place the tip into the left side of the bird's mouth.

4. Depress the plunger and squirt the medicine toward the back of the bird's throat.

5. Wipe excess medicine from the bird's beak.

6. Place the bird back in the cage.

SUBSEQUENT APPLICATIONS:

1. Attempt to retrieve the bird from the cage.

2. Apply bandages as necessary to wounds on your hands and arms.

3. Retrieve the bird from its new hiding place under the coffee table.

4.Carefully immobilize the bird's head to prevent further tissue damage to your body.

5. Attempt to break the "Vulcan Death Grip" and remove the bird's feet from your hand.

6. Apply more bandages and a strong analgesic cream to the new wounds on your hands and arms.

7. Immobilize the bird by carefully wrapping it in a bath towel.

8. Watch in amazement as the bird "morphs." Its head and tail will probably swap position, putting your tender flesh in mortal danger again.

9. Hold the bird snugly in its terrycloth prison.

10. Grasp the medicine syringe. Try to stop trembling in fear and pain. Place the tip of the syringe into the left side of the bird's mouth.

11. Ignore the crushed tip. Depress the plunger and squirt the medicine toward the back of the bird's throat.

12. Wipe excess medicine out of your eyes and off the drapes.

13. Release the bird and squirt medicine in the general vicinity of its face. Some medicine may actually go into the mouth. The rest will be absorbed by osmosis.

14. Shoo the bird back to the cage.

15. Spend the rest of the day attempting to regain the bird's affection with yummy snacks and new toys.

Noah's Ark... If it happened today

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm

going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with

water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to

save a few good people, and two of every kind of living

thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications

for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with

the blueprints. "SIX MONTHS AND IT STARTS TO RAIN,"

thundered the Lord. "You'd

better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to

fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,

weeping. And there was no Ark.

"NOAH," shouted the Lord, WHERE IS THE ARK?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. �I did my best, but

there were big problems. First, I had to get a building

permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans

didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a

variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I

had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.

Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental

impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the

conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many

Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.

And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I

really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "your government already has."

THE PRESIDENT'S PARROT

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp

David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their

pet parrot.

They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the

parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.

The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at

the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find

a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.

After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across

an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the

parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously been owned

by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of

ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever

know and she took the bird back to the White House.

The morning after the Clintons returned to the White House,

Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too

young."

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird

responded with, "Too old."

Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the

bird said, "HI BILL!"

Three African Grey owners and three Macaw owners traveled by

train to an avian conference. At the station, the three

Macaw owners bought tickets and watched as the three African

Grey owners bought only a single ticket. "How are three

people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the

Macaw owners. "You'll see", answered one of the African

Grey owners.

They all boarded the train. The Macaw owners took their

respective seats but all three African Grey owners crammed

into a restroom and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around

collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and

said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a

single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took

it and moved on. The Macaw owners saw this and agreed it

was quite a clever idea.

After the conference, the Macaw owners decided to copy the

African Grey owners on the return trip and save money. When

they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the

return trip. To their astonishment, the African Grey owners

did not buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one

perplexed Macaw owner. "You'll see", answered one of the

African Grey owners.

When they boarded the train, the three Macaw owners crammed

into a restroom and the three African Grey owners crammed

into another restroom nearby. Shortly after the train

departed one of the African Grey owners left the restroom

and walked over to the restroom where the Macaw owners were

hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket,please"...

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid and the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope
this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only
to find out he can't talk."

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

The next two are from Fran�ois Coulombeau, an old school friend:

Trained Parrot

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has
everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't
like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your
most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

The Parrot and the Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said
Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Submit your best parrot links/stories to (remove the obvious but leave 94 at the end) nyakadai9NYETSPAM4@netscape.net